Sunday School

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

First Half

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The flight attendant tells her that she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, 'As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.'
The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant, who asks the woman to leave. Again, she says 'As long as there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.'
The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, 'I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica.'

Battle Of Sexes | Always do the right thing!

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome!, she said before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, l'll go to the bedroom and if you are up for it just come and get me.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house and headed for my car. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car.